I am so proud of myself...

One of my co-workers is pregnant, so being the nice person that I am, I took up a collection to get her a group gift. As I'm standing in Target today in the middle of "baby land", I go about my business picking out stuff and thinking how cute it all was....but the best part....I didn't cry once! Everytime I go to the baby section in a store I always cry or at the very least tear up....but not today! This was a big thing for me.

On the flip side, I did cry today because my temperature chart looks horrible and I'm pretty sure the doc was correct in saying I probably wasn't going to ovulate this cycle. It's amazing that the same dose made me ovulate last cycle, but not this one. I wish my body would just cooperate! I guess I'll wait a couple more weeks to see if anything happens and if not start the provera and move on.

Broken

I have not gone through any advanced treatments yet but I still feel hopeless and hurt. I know that if it's God's will, it will happen. I am struggling to accept that. I know it doesn't matter what fertility treatments I undergo....pregnancy will only happen when it's God's will.

Some days are definitely better than others. Most of the time I am a very happy person. I am always smiling and joking. My co-workers always tell me how boring work is when I'm not there. But there are days when my smile is so fake and my true friends can see right through me. It's hard to hear about other co-workers getting pregnant as soon as they start trying....and talking non-stop about pregnancy symptoms and how far along they are. It truly makes me jealous, and that upsets me because I am not usually a jealous person. I just don't know how to truly feel happy when I feel so broken...

Ultrasound, Monday, Sept 15

Today I went to my doctor for a follie study. He had a hard time seeing my ovaries because I had a lot of stool in my colon. However, he said that he didn't see any dominant follicles and he doesn't think I'm going to ovulate this cycle. But he said it wasn't impossible. He told me to keep charting and to call him if I have a temp shift that indicates ovulation. So for today, I am just really really bummed. I don't understand how last month I responded so great to the femara and this month nothing.

At least Monday Night Football is on tonight....that will help take my mind of TTC.

Gearing up for football season!

Hooray! Football is finally here! Ben and I plan to sit on the couch all day and watch football. He can't wait to have a child to teach about football and baseball. Last night, I had a dream that we had a baby boy and I dressed him in a baby Steelers jersey and DH held him throughout an entire football game while explaining who the players were and what was happening. I actually woke up with tears in my eyes.

The picture is of Ben and I in Pennsylvania next to the Steelers stadium. Can't wait to have a mini Steeler fan :-) I have been scoping out the NFL shop for baby stuff...I'm so tempted to order things just so I have them, but don't wanna jinx myself.

Wed. Sept 3. AF is finally leaving!

Today is CD5 and AF is finally going away! I am on my 3rd day of femara (5mg) along with 1500 mg of metformin and a prenatal vitamin. I called my doctor's nurse yesterday to find out about having a HSG cause I have never had one and she said that when I come in for my next follicle study I could ask the doctor about it...which means I won't be able to have one this cycle. Hopefully I won't need one at all! So far, I'm feeling great....no side effects. I have 2 more days of femara and then I wait until Sept 15 to see my doctor (that will be day 17 and I usually ovulate on day 18)

My husband, Ben, is being really great. He takes great care of me and always listen to me complain about infertility and how it isn't fair that other people can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, I get really really bitter about the whole infertility thing, but then I tell myself, "What can I do about it?"..."Nothing". Another thing that is keeping me sane, are my 2 puppies, Taylor and Tucker!