I'm a bad blogger :-(

I haven't written a post in over a month!!! Wow!!....I'm a bad girl!! Since my last post....I took clomid and ovulated, but BFN....really sucks! This cycle I am taking a break from fertility meds. With the holidays right around the corner, I just want to relax and enjoy Christmas! I have my yearly gyn appt on Monday so I will talk to my doc about our next step....I have a feeling he'll tell me that I need to see an RE which will put a hold on our TTC journey since we are OOP. That's all I know right now and I am really going to try to be better about blogging :-)

Started Clomid again....

Today is CD3....so I started up clomid 150 mg again. I am going to start temping tomorrow morning and I'm hoping to at least O this cycle.

Today I took my niece to High School Musical 3! We had a lot of fun together....it always helps me feel positive about TTC when I spend time with her...I always get a renewed sense of hope.

We'll see what this cycle brings. I hope the side effects aren't too terrible!

Hurry up AF!

Finished my last provera pill a couple days ago and now I'm just waiting for AF to arrive so I can start clomid again....sometimes I think that I am crazy for going back to clomid....dealing with the hot flashes and what not but it's just so much cheaper and the 150 mg did make me o so why not give it another try.

I am usually really open about what I'm going through as far as fertility meds but this cycle I've decided to keep it to myself and a few choice people (and of course all the ladies on TTTC!)

I'm hoping for the best but don't really have any expectations this cycle. I'm just hoping to o on my own.

working lots of hours and that's about it.....

Today I am working a 14 hour shift....I have no idea what I was thinking when I signed up for it....I was thinking about the money, I guess. Still no AF in sight which is what I suspected would happen. I know I need to induce my period, but it's kind of nice being on a "mini break" from the whole IF thing. I am going back on clomid (my choice) because femara is so expensive and I didn't even ovulate this last cycle. I did ovulate on 150 mg of clomid so I'm going to try that route again.

I have not even begun to start the major procedures of IF. IUI and IVF are so expensive because I am completely OOP like a lot of women are and financially we just can't do it right now. It's so sad that it gets to a point that having a child depends on how much money you put into it....it just doesn't seem right.

I am just praying that the fertility meds work...otherwise, I might have to say goodbye to my dream of becoming a mommy.

I am so proud of myself...

One of my co-workers is pregnant, so being the nice person that I am, I took up a collection to get her a group gift. As I'm standing in Target today in the middle of "baby land", I go about my business picking out stuff and thinking how cute it all was....but the best part....I didn't cry once! Everytime I go to the baby section in a store I always cry or at the very least tear up....but not today! This was a big thing for me.

On the flip side, I did cry today because my temperature chart looks horrible and I'm pretty sure the doc was correct in saying I probably wasn't going to ovulate this cycle. It's amazing that the same dose made me ovulate last cycle, but not this one. I wish my body would just cooperate! I guess I'll wait a couple more weeks to see if anything happens and if not start the provera and move on.

Broken

I have not gone through any advanced treatments yet but I still feel hopeless and hurt. I know that if it's God's will, it will happen. I am struggling to accept that. I know it doesn't matter what fertility treatments I undergo....pregnancy will only happen when it's God's will.

Some days are definitely better than others. Most of the time I am a very happy person. I am always smiling and joking. My co-workers always tell me how boring work is when I'm not there. But there are days when my smile is so fake and my true friends can see right through me. It's hard to hear about other co-workers getting pregnant as soon as they start trying....and talking non-stop about pregnancy symptoms and how far along they are. It truly makes me jealous, and that upsets me because I am not usually a jealous person. I just don't know how to truly feel happy when I feel so broken...

Ultrasound, Monday, Sept 15

Today I went to my doctor for a follie study. He had a hard time seeing my ovaries because I had a lot of stool in my colon. However, he said that he didn't see any dominant follicles and he doesn't think I'm going to ovulate this cycle. But he said it wasn't impossible. He told me to keep charting and to call him if I have a temp shift that indicates ovulation. So for today, I am just really really bummed. I don't understand how last month I responded so great to the femara and this month nothing.

At least Monday Night Football is on tonight....that will help take my mind of TTC.